My Life Story

Born on the 11th January 1992, at 7:55am to Fatima Abrahams and Alan Geduld. descendant from Jewish,  Philippine, German and Cape Malay.  

Mom always says "I was a easy birth" and never let's it go that she sat on my head on the way to the hospital, maybe that's why I'm so crazy today. I can't really remember anything before the age of 3 years old but what I do remember I still remember clearly like it was just yesterday. 

My parents got divorced when I was 3 years old, and my mom remarried when I was 7 and then got divorced when i was 11. Dad had a partner named Leonie for 9 years, who he eventually married a year before she passed away from cancer. 

Aunt Leonie and I were very close, till today she still has a special place in my heart which is reserved just for her. She was my other mommy, the mommy that would watch my friends from school and I put on plays, music shows and little modelling shows. 

My mom was always working and busy bailing out her husband Nazeer from the messes he'd make and the business adventures he'd take with her money, which made my mom the pillar in the family and the bread winner, and for that I am always grateful. Till today I don't know what my mom saw in him, but it must've been love at the time because I doubt such a strong, beautiful women would ever go for someone that's not worthy of her or her love.

My mom and I weren't really close when I was young as I never liked her husband Nazeer and as I always believed my brother was the "apple of her eye" the favorite child. I guess having a brother 8 years older then you, with a rare heart condition,(whom doctors predicted wouldn't live to his first birthday) you too would feel the way I felt, like an outsider in my own family. 

In primary school I never really played a lot of sport, I played netball which was a bad idea as I had butter fingers. My extra mural activities included arts & craft, drama, Indian dancing and school pop stars (coca cola pop stars era). I was always made fun of for been skinny, people would make jokes like "you can jump through a straw open legs", "skeletor" and even my family would call me twiggy. 

In grade 6 my step mother passed away from cancer, and I remember that day when I got home from school and my mom was home early, she sat me down and said to me: Zarah, I have some bad news, I looked at her, I could see the sorrow in her eyes as she was about to tell me that Aunt Leonie has passed away, I looked at her and without any control of my body shouted that my mom was lying to me, that she was still alive that I spoke to her just yesterday, hitting my mom and yelling no. I cried for days and even though I knew that she was eventually going to die, I wasn't emotionally ready to accept it, what kid is? This year wasn't a good year for me as my grandmother, Ragmat Petersen born Ivon Beryl Miller also known as Ouma had also passed away suddenly. She wasn't a sickly women yet she had a heart attack at the flower stand in Plumstead. My Ouma and I weren't that close but she would always bring us sweets home on a Friday. I don't remember much about her as I chose to block out a lot of my childhood. I couldn't wait to get to High School to change my character and hopefully build confidence. To get away from all the negative people and forget about the pass few years that only left sorrow and sadness in my heart. 

The day before school at orientation day, I was told by an RCL member "are you looking for a boyfriend?" "Do you think you hot?" "Why is your skirt so short". I think that was my turning point when my life started spiraling out of control, the very next day I started making myself sick, I would run to the rest room as many times as I could, this was something I hid very well for a very long time. Until one day my mom noticed a change, and saw week old sandwiches and food in the bins or the back yard and decided to take charge and send me to a psychologist, my very first psychologist Dr. Kenna, she specialized in eating disorders. I never spoke to her really until about 3 months later and eventually cried out for help from her for my eating disorder and my addiction to prescription (not my prescription) drugs. My eating disorder has been going on for years I just hid it well and my addiction to prescription drugs was about a year. I remember the day we had a conjoint with my mom, this was the day I saw my mom cry for the first time. I didn't realise how much I was hurting and draining her till this day. And that is where I decided right there and then that I wanted help. I was admitted into Crescent Clinic in my June Holidays and was treated for both my Bulimia and addiction, the nursing staff and psychologists, councelors, psychiatrists and other EDU and CDU patients were all very supportive.  At the time I was the youngest patient Crescent Clinic has ever had, only 14 years old. The nurses would give me courage, and would treat me as their child in return I would share stories and treats that were brought to me during my stay. I was there for three weeks and am proud to say that in the past 7 years I have not relapsed once. I am thankful to my mom and the support I got from my family during that very dark time in my life. 

After my stay at Crescent Clinic my mom and my bond grew, we became inseparable, she was my best friend and my confident  and my moms best friend Aunt Julie was my other mom, my other best friend and confident. 

Coming back to Plumstead High after Crescent Clinic had not changed, the bullies were still there and my enemies grew to the people I once called friends but Plumstead High wasn't all bad, I partook in the school athletics in grade 8  & 9 and had some brilliant teachers who encouraged me to do my best. Like Mr. Majiet and Mr. & Mrs. Kiefer and Mr. September who always encouraged me on the athletic field. But when I got back  I decided that Plumstead high was no longer a school for me as I did not fit in with anyone anymore and no one understood me or what I was going through. Straight after my time in Crescent Clinic I was discovered by a modelling agency who boost my confidence levels again and even though I am no longer with this agency if it wasn't for that scout to see me on the train on my way home from school I would never have gained the confidence back that I lost as a child.

I went to Damelin College High School, where I fit in perfectly. I made friends in a instant and teachers who I still SMS on an odd occasion. Damelin became my 2nd home, I evolved at Damelin coming first in the grade, getting awards for almost every subject, been published in the news paper for been top in the grade. Everything just seemed better and my life was finally my life again. In grade 11, I was still among the top students and in this year I lost someone very close to me, my granny Angie Geduld, who passed away in hospital whilst in a Coma, I remember before she went into a Coma I was meant to go stay with her at home to look after her and help her cook, also to study for finals. She was the pillar in our family, the one keeping the family bond together. After she passed away apart of me left with her as well. Not a day goes by I don't think of her, I still sometimes smell her scent in shopping malls and public places, even one so bad, that I followed a lady one day till she turned around and asked me :"child why are you following me?" My reply that's pretty simple:" you smell like my granny an then I broke into years" the poor lady didn't know what to do except comfort me. I felt as though my granny was there with me. 

I passed Matric with a bachelors pass and decided to take a gap year, I hosted my own Fashion show in 2011, which was a huge success in the show but a major loss in my pocket. I guess it wasn't meant to be but i gained a lot of exposure and experience from it. It was this year I met my friends Laila, Ziyaad, Tasneem, Ebrahim, Saeed to name but a few.(we are all still friends).  In 2012 another struggle of a year for me.  My mom left to work away in April 2012 and left me with people I had nothing in common with.(My brother & father). My addictions came back but this time in a different way, in having perfectly fine moles removed cause I told myself I have way to much, it cost me R4000 to have 11 moles removed and because it was cosmetics it was not covered by medical aid. 

After removing my moles, I got specs which also cost about R3000 because I had to have a diesel pair. My shopping addiction developed over night. About a month later I was admitted into Claremont hospital for serve headaches I remember this night like it was yesterday, I took as much painkillers to take the pain away but it wouldn't go away, I then called my mom in tears who was in Beaufort west at the time, screaming and crying that the pain won't go away and that I can't handle it, she told me on the phone calm down there is nothing I can do from where I am but I'm coming home tomorrow, if you can't handle the pain, ask your dad to take you to the hospital. I gave it a hour till I could no longer cope with the pain, and my dad rushed me to the ER. I was admitted into the hospital at 3am and was given medication that would help calm the pain, but the pain went away, it just got worse to the point the doctors eventually had to resort to the strongest medication and drips they could think of just so that I could fall asleep. The next day when I woke up my mom was there standing over me, holding my hand. She spent the only 3 days she had been in Cape Town, in hospital with me, She pushed me in my wheel chair, to my X-rays, MRI scans and even for puff breaks with my drip. My mom, my doctor, my best friend was there with me again. This was also the time I realised who my true friends were and wasn't. When released from hospital with a cause still unknown, My brother and his wife welcomed a baby boy, named Suhail. 

In October 2012, I was re-admitted into Crescent clinic for depression/ border line personality. Because of my mom been gone for so long my depression was acted in shopping and gambling till my credit card was maxed(don't get a credit card, it's evil). I am now on medication for the rest of my life and I am finally proud to say that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I am not ashamed to say it because mine is under control, and because I can finally understand why so many years ago I could easily become addicted to Prescription drugs and why it was easy for me to develop an eating disorder. At first I was ashamed and scared of saying it out loud, that I have Bipolar because of the stigma attached to people who come out about it, but because almost year after been diagnosed I have finally accepted that bipolar does not determine the person I am but it is part of me. I cannot cure it, but I can treat it to a point where my mood doesn't have to be an emotional roller coaster. 

In January,  I turned 21 and had a big birthday party, with the true friends and family who were there for me through the years of my emotional roller coaster. Who was there for me in the good and bad times, who never left my side. My 21st was also a special day for everyone who was there because the people at my party all played a part in who I am today:-strong, free spirited, crazy, fun, loving, spontaneous: I would not be this person if it wasn't for the positive and negative influences in my life. I have so much to be thankful for as my mom done everything in her power to keep me stable and happy, she gave up her life for me and my siblings. And I may not show it everyday but she knows deep down that I love and appreciate her more then anything in the world. 

Recently I have made new relationships which I feel will be forever. Like they say you only meet your true friends after high school, it's true. I have no friends from high school anymore everyone went their own way, I have distant friends from high school who I will occasionally see but none of them who i can actually call true friends like the ones I have made in the past 3years. 

Ziyaad who is my trusted friend for almost 3 years, we had our fair share of ups and downs, he sore me at my worst and best and will always be someone I can rely on and trust. 

Sherice who is a very good friend, is a party friend and a genuine friend who I admire so much, she makes me so proud of her everyday. She is a strong and fun loving individual with a lot of spunk in her. 

There's more people in my life I can say a lot about, but they are not as constant in my life as Sherice and Ziyaad. 

Then there's Jarryd (My boyfriend) who I haven't properly introduced to social media yet, as once the social media gets hold of that, your relationship is destroyed. I always believed that keeping your personal life personal is the best thing for anyone, anyway Jarryd and I are happy together, and everyday I thank God for bringing him into my life, even though he likes to argue that I changed his life. We are in our own happy place, and together we are perfect. It's crazy how I was not looking for a boyfriend and  now I've got one. I think I need to take my own advice sometimes. 

This is my life story in a nutshell, good and bad, happy and sad, so there isn't really much more to say about my life:-Except that I am happy, at peace and finally able to face up to reality and overcome the obstacles life throws at me. 

I hope that my life story has touched someone out there in order for you to seek help if you are suffering from bipolar, depression, addiction or an eating disorder. My story shows that you are not alone even though it may feel like you are. There is always someone out there who is worse of then you. 

Please do not hesitate to email me for contact details of Psychologists, Psychiatrists or even if you just need someone to talk to. I am always here with a shoulder to cry on or just a set of ears to listen. 

So before you go and judge someone in the street tomorrow, remember not everyone lived the perfect life, not everyone comes from a both parent household, or money and not everyone can walk the same path in life and before you call people bipolar or crazy remember that they never asked to be the way they are, i certainly didn't. 

Also I would like to thank everyone who reads my blog, who follows my blog and Facebook page. 

Happy 10th Blog Post to me (happy dance) 

Till next time...